moving right along.

"I'm leavin the same way I came in
It's lookin forward but I can't see straight
It's just like I know where I'm going
It's just like me to fool myself"

senior year has been a year of hell and back. a roller coaster. nothing like i expected it to be. i can't stop reminiscing over the years of high school and what is possibly to come. it's SO CRAZY it's all ending. i'm excited to see what comes but at the same time i know i'm gonna miss it. i won't be able to slack off anymore, procrastinate, or have an excuse to fuck with people in hallways anymore. it's not gonna be as easy. i won't see the people i've been seeing for the past 6 years everyday (thank god for some of them). it really came faster than i expected. senior's last day is less than 2 months away, prom is exactly 2 months away, i finally turn legal in 2 months and 3 days, and graduation is 2 months and 7 days away. i can't believe it's all happening so fast and all so together. i imagined senior year to be like by 8th grade year (which kicked ass in the aspect of a middle schooler) just way more party. and definitely was way more party, lol but not awesome. last semester topped with my entire junior year of misery. i was so miserable that all i did was hang out with the same people every day and did the same thing every weekend. this semester is definitely better, i'm actually happy with where i am and i know i've bettered myself in more ways than one. finally. something is changing for the good. i just hope all these changes help me out in college. 
but man, i've got senioritis like a mother fucker. i don't wanna do ANYTHING. and shit's starting to get serious now. fml.

i can't wait to meet new people. everyone here is so fucking useless, except for the few i'm friends with. which i feel like the 'friendship' is riding a line, and it's being blamed on me. all i really have to say about that, is PLEASE MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS. you can NOT tell me what to do, and you will NOT brainwash me to do what you want me to do or be like. my life is not, was not, and will not be like yours. let me make my own mistakes, IF they are mistakes to begin with. you don't know what the future holds and neither do i. so why don't i used MY time and find out MYSELF and YOU not tell me what you THINK will happen, cause you don't know a god damn thing. it's not my fault i ended up with someone who actually gives a shit about me, and i trust with my life and has never given me a reason not to trust him. especially after he waits almost 4 years to be with me. i'm not screwing it up because you can't keep your mouth shut or you think i'll waste my time. because i know i'm not, thank you very much. so i'm gonna continue not to. and the more you bitch at me, or him, or both of us i'm gonna waste my time even less, and not hang out with you. get a grippppp, and leave me alone, PLEASE FUCK!!!!!! i'm going to stay where i am happy, and that's with him. so stop wasting your breath, i'm not listening. thanks!

spring is around the corner. i can smell it in the air, and i can't wait. but at the same time it brings back the same memories of 2009, which was the fucking devil year. kind of like how the sophomore class is the devil class. it's that bad. if anything this year happens anywhere related to 2009, i'm getting the fuck out of tennessee as fast as i can. or i'm moving back in with my parents and never leaving my house. i don't expect that to happen though....at least i hope so. 

finally,

after months and months.
i feel happy. not COMPLETELY happy. but definitely better than i have.

so far 2010 has been waaaaay better as a collect than 2009 ever was. it was definitely one of the worst years of my life. but i think it was that way for a reason. i learned so much from all the pain i went through, i guess to get me here. i refuse to believe that where i am now isn't because of a purpose. that's God's plan anyways, he has a purpose for everything and i guess it's finally starting to come together bit by bit, slowly. and i'd rather it come slowly than never. even though destiny has moved to virginia, she's still here. and so is kol. and i finally realized who is right for me, and i couldn't be happier with matthew daniel mcconkey as my boyfriend. i've never been treated so well by anyone, and i wouldn't want it any other way. he's already taught me so much so far, and we've already been through so much. and the fact that we've known each other for almost 4 years really helped out to where we are now. it's gonna be hard when i move, but i know we can do it. i've done it plenty times before. and no one will break us apart. -COUGH- especially the ones who have already tried. :P

senior year is coming to an end, almost. it's so crazy.  i feel like i was a sophomore yesterday. even a freshman. i'm so excited to move on and see what's in store for my future, but i'll miss everything too. graduation is literally 3 months away from today (may 15) and my 18th birthday is just four days before that. and we've got about 2 and a half months left of school. i can't believe i'll be moving in just 5 months. sure, chattanooga isn't that far but living on my own is going to be so much different. at least i'll have my best friend crystal to help me along the way. :)
my parents will still be here, of course. and i'll still come home probably like 4 times a month, but i guess i'll be learning a lot about life. but UT at chattanooga is calling mine and crystal's name! get ready!!! i can't wait!

i hope that all of my expectations aren't too high for the rest of this year. that would really suck, but if things keep going the way i think and they seem to be, then this year will be just peachy!

the only things i need to fix are the things with myself, still, of course. i feel like i don't talk to anyone i used to anymore. i only hang out with certain people. and it's only like 5 people. i want to change that. i want to see more people more often, meet new people. but that's what college is for, eh? oh well, i just miss the old days a lot. but hopefully the future will turn out just as good as all the memories i have of the past. and i thank everyone who made those memories, especially in 2008 and everyone knows who you are. and i thank all of the people and the shit and misery they put me through in 2009 to get where i am now.

and most of all i thank God for giving me everything that i've ever needed and i know he's got a great plan for me and all of my friends in the future. and i won't let myself mess that up. i thank Him so much for my parents, my friends, my boyfriend, and the freedom to make the choices that i do. which most of them aren't exactly right, but i have DEFINITELY gotten better at some things. i hope it continues to stay this way.

my life has been full of ups and downs since high school has started, and i know that's part of being a teenager. i'm ready to close this chapter of my life and open this brand new one. i can't wait to see where it all takes me and what all i learn from it. 

i don't think

i can do this.
i don't think i can handle it.

i just need to focus.
mainly on myself.

whether you believe it or not,

i know what unhappiness is, cause i've sure felt it for the past year of my life. both of you have been here and seen how just a few people have treated me and saw how terrible that ended up, and yet you don't even know half my past. but i don't know what being unhappy is? i'm almost 18 fucking years old, seriously? i've had more "best friends" than i can count on both hands because all of them did something fucked up to me. i had to move schools because i literally wanted to kill myself being there, and believe me, it's came damn close to the same thing recently. i hate this town, i hate these people, and i especially hate the fucking high school. i'm so glad to almost be out of it.

and i'm SELFISH? HAHAHAHAHAHAH......................................................HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA.
that is THE FUNNIEST thing i've ever heard out of any of my friend's mouths.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
first of all, I AM UNHAPPY. AND I HAVE BEEN. you can NOT make someone else happy before you make yourself. i've been trying to do so for the past, eh, YEAR?
for the past, 5 months of my life my best friend has lived with me. i've taken her everywhere. paid for her food. bought her things. i gave up hanging out with so many of my friends just to make sure she had somewhere to go. MY PARENTS PAID HER CELL PHONE BILL, AND GAVE HER MONEY. i didn't have to do a damn thing. not to mention, the whole situation put MORE stress on the stress i already have. and i get THIS in return? from BOTH of you?

and what is so damn wrong about talking to my mother? i'm sorry, she's kind of my best friend and i kind of trust her more than anyone else in this fucked up world, so i can tell her any damn thing i want to and i'm okay with that. i don't give a damn who that pisses off. maybe everyone should try being friends with their parents, cause i definitely like hanging out with mine more than 98% of the people i know. but then again, mine definitely kick ass. i feel sorry for those who don't have parents like mine. and once again, that's exactly why BOTH of them know almost everything that goes on in my life. i mean fuck, they brought me into this world.

i'm sorry i have a life outside of you. i'm sorry i've spent so much money and time on you BOTH. given you both things you needed. i had in return friendship, and now i have bullshit. looks like i'm even more alone in this world than ever. i really only have one best friend it seems. i love you crystal!!!!!! (and happy birthday <3) i'm tired of giving and not receiving. don't expect much from me anymore so don't come crying back to me.

i was really considering UT in knoxville. now UT in chattanooga looks so much more appealing than ever.

no one

showed me before.
why?

(i never post. maybe i'll update something worth time soon.)

tell me

that i can't do it.
tell me that i shouldn't even try.
tell me it's impossible,
tell me the risk is too high,
the challenge is too much,
the feat, too tough.
tell me that i won't do it.

and i will.

wow,

it's been a good minute since i posted.

i'm not even gonna update my life right now. alls i know is, my senior year has been full of useless, draining, extremely pointless bullshit so far. and it sucks. it's all came to help me realize who my real friends are here, though. i find it amusing that my side is taken on the whole situation (which it should be...) when they've known him waaaay longer and better. das cool! it's help me grow and move on and realize how immature people really are. accusations that are made are absolutely ridiculous. just because we/us are angry doesn't mean we're gonna come rob you or some shit. none of us really have a reason for any of it, and we all have a true, strong alibi. so whatever, you can believe what you want and keep talking all your shit even though you say you don't and act like the little angels that you aren't and never will be. lying pieces of shit.

i hate hypocrisy. sure, everyone does it sometimes but to necessarily live like that is absurd. enough is enough.

i really just don't know what's going on in my head right now. i feel misplaced and out of place. in the wrong decade. i need to be sent back to about 1952 and be born around then. or stick myself permanently in 2008. i don't really know where to go or what to do with my life right now, i'm just trying to find myself. i just can't keep my head on straight and focus. i need an inspiration.

maybe starting clinicals on the 21st will help me get my head together.