summer 2009.

i wish it had a catchy name like last summer. 'endless summer 08' - aka, best summer of my life.

but this summer has been alotta fun as well. it didn't come out anything like i expected, and it didn't top last year, but i'm okay with that. it's almost over (for me, at least) sadly. i go back to school next friday, so i'm having a nostalgic moment here. 

thanks to all my friends for this summer. to all my different groups of friends, even the ones that have already come and gone. thank you, johnson city as well. you do a whole lot more for me than my hometown. thank you: karen, crystal, destiny, hannah, sarah, sean, kol, chelsea, moser, bill, elijah, matt & ashley, ben, devon, maynard, isaac, jon, cody, H, matt Z, and everyone else that i spent good times with.

all the pictures posted are my favorite from the summer. love you all. <3

just let me have one moment.

today was a day filled with so many mixed feelings. sean left to go back to florida.
i miss him a lot already. :( we all had so much fun!

i feel like today is the downfall of summer. eleven days until i go back to school. senior year....wow. i've really come this far? it seems like i just walked into the doors of that high school for the first time just yesterday. how scared i was....how intimidating all the seniors looked. that's me now...and it feels like feeling that way when i was 14 was weird. i dunno why. i definitely do NOT like the freshman class coming in. i don't like much of the sophomore class either. juniors are pretty alright. but really, this is the last year i can fuck around, which i can't even really do that much of. i gotta finish this year off right. i need to focus. my schedule this year isn't that difficult, thankfully. the only class i really need to focus on this semester is clinical internship. that's gonna be important. next semester will be english, even though it's regular. i'm so nervous that this year will end up like my junior year (which was hell) even though i know it won't. i'm alright in school, i just don't know where to go with the rest of my life. i keep living in the past. i can't get my mind off of different things in the recent and far past. summer 08, november/december 08, march 09. those were some of my favorite times. i need a time machine to just relive 2008. best year of my life so far. i guess being 16 really was a great thing. but now i'm trying to live up to "you won't be 17 forever..." i just don't want to face reality i guess. that's what i'm best at. just pushing away the things i need to fix and pulling the things closer i need to get rid of. there's things i want to attain that i know i can't have. and it's the worst feeling in the world. i feel like i need more genuine friends. i really only have a few. some i'm shaky to even name. don't ask, i won't tell. my head is so foggy.

i hope i find myself someday soon. i hate not knowing where to go exactly. 
i'm still a kid, but life is moving so fast. 
i need a hand to hold and to help me through.
i'm scared to do it alone.

i'm nervous.i'm not independent.

seconds.

i tried to post this and i hit the X button, COOL. i hate when i do that. cuttin' it short then.

"Romance is on your mind, no matter what your status may be right now, You may feel as if you're courting all over again -- or you may actually be pursuing someone new -- and your heart is totally in it!" <----- oddly accurate. 

been thinking about someone that was around a long, long time ago. about 2 years ago, actually. i guess i'm looking into this way too late seeing as how long ago this was. but hopefully i can somehow get my foot back in the door and he'll notice? who knows. it would be quite nice, but if not, oh well. life moves on.

sean is in town from florida. he goes home tomorrow. moshin errrwhur. 

go back to school in 13 days.  first semester =
1 - late arrival
2 - US gov/econ - mccrary/taft
3 - rehabilitative therapies - crook
4 - clinical internship - miller!!!! :)

one more thing. this summer is still wonderful. we still party. you're just not around because you're turning into the person you're dating. i don't think i've seen anyone take after someone like you have. not to mention i don't like him, so i'm definitely not into it. don't blame it on me or anyone else as to why everyone hasn't been hanging out, cause WE have. you haven't.  and i just don't think so. you can ask the four other people i've talked to. you're putting yourself back right where you were with the last one. spending days and days on end together. and then when you are back, i already have plans cause i've figured you were gonna be with him. and you get mad about it. i'm not even trying to blow you off. you just don't see it like we do, and one day i really hope you do or it's gonna be another 6 months of us not talking cause you're too busy with someone who probably wouldn't be around as long as me.
---> edit. <---- partying has NOT taken over my life, by any chance. i don't do anything out of the norm that i haven't been doing for the past eight months. i don't even want to deal with this. it's pointless. 

i already feel like i'm a wasted piece of life today. i can't put into words how i feel, but it's terrible. like a used napkin or some sort. i feel like i've already dug myself deep into a hole that's already too deep for me to escape, so i'll just keep digging. right?

I just can't believe you.

"Someone steps up to you late in the day and challenges your position -- or your authority. It's not the best time to get into a huge fight, so see if you can distract them with something shiny for the time being."

my horoscope for tomorrow...hmm. i hope i don't make a mistake about my plans tomorrow. i'm positive it shouldn't be too bad....i hope not. 
been feelin real edgy lately, don't really know why. i guess cause i haven't really had alone time in a good few weeks, but i don't really like being alone. it's nice sometimes though, i guess. 
i need a break, again.

school is about to start back on august 7th, lame! i don't really know my second semester classes because i had to get them all changed but first semester i have late arrival, us gov/econ, rehabilitative therapies, and clinical internship. i hope that works out good! i'm pretty stoked on it. should be fun. i know i have psychology & forensic science too! :)

been thinking about tattoo ideas recently too. i'm really partial to certain song lyrics. without a doubt i'm gonna get TUI, blacklisted, and carpathian lyrics somewhere on me. i've already been thinking of a few. 

Watch me unwind.
Rejected and depressed.
Everything I am I hate.
Confused, directionless.
Knowing this is all we had.
Existing on best terms we can until
Death takes us from our own fucking hands.

what's wrong?

He hides his thoughts 
Buried so deep inside
In the very back of his mind
Everything he can't let others know 
And prays that no one finds
He has reasons for everything
In his mind it's all justified
Always so easily embraced
The mirror is just two-faced
It hurts sometimes, but he liked the taste
Didn't want to hurt anyone
So he looked to the blind one above
He'll need answers in time
For now he'll just stand tongue tied
What he feels
It hurts and it kills
His mind stays concealed
His thoughts stay unrevealed
 

you only live once.

that's exactly how i feel about the past few days. let me start from the beginning...
10 for 10 so stoked about? shut down. a huge fight broke out during Fingers Crossed (first band....) and the bouncers (like fucking always) took it out of hand and it turned into a brawl. I saw one of my best friends get arrested AND punched for trying to break up a fight, not to mention all of my other friends that got arrested for no reason. I hate the Valarium.
They wouldn't even give refunds. They said they would give you another ticket to another show there. Why the hell would you ever want to go back there after that shit? They ruined the day that I had been looking forward to for months. I only went to see really once band anyways who played right after FC (Trapped Under Ice).

Luckily, everyone came together and brought it all to Kay and April's. So many people showed up. The Ghost Inside, Crime in Stereo, This is Hell, (remaining) FC, Trapped Under Ice played. Terror and Death Before Dishonor did too but I didn't see them. It really made me feel like the scene came together to fix a problem quick. Now all we need to do is speak out and do something about the bullshit the Valarium is doing. For real....

It was overall good though. Went and hung out after the show with some people, etc etc. Good times. Now I really feel like I have to come back to reality. The beach, a great few days....now what?

I already started thinking. I just want to stay in this fantasy land that I have in my head right now, where my mind doesn't really play a role, and my heart is stuck in about last March but I want to stay in the summer. It's confusing. I keep wanting to think that everything will turn out like I want it to and like I feel it will turn to, but I know it won't. I know. It's all too good to be true. It really is....and it's not even good. >:/
I don't know what it is or why I'm still stuck here, but it's been months. On and off and I wish it would be fixed however that may be. I really have no idea....
Hopes. Dreams. Too good to be true, yeah.

Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully an answer will be found......but probably not.

home.

and i already wish i was back. we came home today because my dad didn't look at the days we had the condo correctly, and we were scheduled to check out today.
so we did.  we were in the car for like, ten hours. soooo annoooyyinnnggg. i didn't sleep any of it. i'm so tired.

i had a good time there though. i ate so much seafood. mmm, i could live off it. i definitely got a nice tan. ;) did a lot of stuff. i wish i was still there cause i love always being busy. i guess i just prefer a constant something to do. mostly.

i got to hang out with destiny and kol tonight though, i love them! :)
tomorrow, chillin with crystal. sarah and hannah are coming in lataaa. 

downloaded the new trapped under ice.
SO. SO. GOOD. they've yet to let me down. i knew they had great intentions back when i said i liked them more than terror. i still stand by that. 
and i don't don't really like terror. 

never brought mommy smiles.
this feeling that i'm feeling i've been feeling for a while. 
it's hard to admit but i gotta get it off my chest.
i would sleep forever
if there is peace in death.
and if you see god, tell him that 
i'm still alive.
gave up on all those prayers 
because they couldn't provide.
the answer to the question i've been asking since birth,
been searching for the truth for years,
i can't find peace on this earth.
you won't find peace on this earth.

unbelievable.

sitting in the condo. listening to the waves. i love it.

i learn new things everyday, and last night and today i have learned a lot that i really hope is true. i don't really know how to take it right now though.

the past few days have been pretty cool. been laying on the beach. the water is beautiful. i love it here. i got some sweet tan lines, lolz. we went on AJ's sea blaster yesterday. it was awesome. a giant speed boat. we ran into some shitty weather though. was pretty intense. done a lot of shopping. love it. lot of partyin, love it. i've eaten so much seafood from this week it can probably equal my body weight. i love it. tomorrow we're going parasailing. stoked! and then we're going to joe's crab shack again cause the crab legs are so good. coming home on sunday. i miss everyone and i can't wait to see everyone. monday - 10 for 10. FUCKING STOKED. i can't wait. got mah new nikez 4 it.

hopefully the last few days here are nice. don't wanna leave but i'm ready to come home.
the beach takes me away from reality and i should probably come back.

Beachin' it.

My parents, Crystal, and I drove down here to Destin, FL on July 3rd. We're still here! It's been an alright time so far.
I've already got tan lines and I only laid out for like 30 minutes on the first day. It rained this morning so we didn't get to lay out :( but we decided to live life on the edge before the storm came and rode the wavez. Red flag out and all. I got SO much sand in my bathing suit.
We went to Big Kahuna's too. Not as much fun as it was the first time I went. I was like 10 then though.
I had the most badass crab legs at AJ's on the dock. Got some jewelry and a few clothing articles already. :P

Tomorrow we're going out on the beach early to get some sun and surf, then doing some retail therapy in Miramar Beach and probably eating at Joe's. Me and Crystal are gonna go to ''teen night'' at Fudpucker's apparently, hahah. Fuckkkk it. :P

I'll be home the 11th. I miss everyone and my dogs. It's really nice to get away for once though. Wish it could have been to Europe again like in Summer '07 but this is damn good enough. I love the beach.

Can't wait for 10 for 10 :)