just let me have one moment.

today was a day filled with so many mixed feelings. sean left to go back to florida.
i miss him a lot already. :( we all had so much fun!

i feel like today is the downfall of summer. eleven days until i go back to school. senior year....wow. i've really come this far? it seems like i just walked into the doors of that high school for the first time just yesterday. how scared i was....how intimidating all the seniors looked. that's me now...and it feels like feeling that way when i was 14 was weird. i dunno why. i definitely do NOT like the freshman class coming in. i don't like much of the sophomore class either. juniors are pretty alright. but really, this is the last year i can fuck around, which i can't even really do that much of. i gotta finish this year off right. i need to focus. my schedule this year isn't that difficult, thankfully. the only class i really need to focus on this semester is clinical internship. that's gonna be important. next semester will be english, even though it's regular. i'm so nervous that this year will end up like my junior year (which was hell) even though i know it won't. i'm alright in school, i just don't know where to go with the rest of my life. i keep living in the past. i can't get my mind off of different things in the recent and far past. summer 08, november/december 08, march 09. those were some of my favorite times. i need a time machine to just relive 2008. best year of my life so far. i guess being 16 really was a great thing. but now i'm trying to live up to "you won't be 17 forever..." i just don't want to face reality i guess. that's what i'm best at. just pushing away the things i need to fix and pulling the things closer i need to get rid of. there's things i want to attain that i know i can't have. and it's the worst feeling in the world. i feel like i need more genuine friends. i really only have a few. some i'm shaky to even name. don't ask, i won't tell. my head is so foggy.

i hope i find myself someday soon. i hate not knowing where to go exactly. 
i'm still a kid, but life is moving so fast. 
i need a hand to hold and to help me through.
i'm scared to do it alone.

i'm nervous.i'm not independent.