i hope

that i'm making the right choices. i know of a certain one that i definitely am. better off for me and everyone else, most likely.

i just hope the other one is right.

someday

you will find me caught beneath the landslide,
in a champagne supernova in the sky. 
wake up the dawn and ask her why
a dreamer dreams, she never dies. 
wipe that tear away now from your eye. 
slowly walking down the hall,
faster than a cannonball.

k, so.

it seems to everyone i'm closest to that i just keep constantly not doing the right thing, minus a select few of people.

and i know that i'm not NOT doing the right thing, and it's really pissing me off.

first, what's the difference between my "school friends" and my "friends i don't go to school with"? there's not one. if you're a friend of mine, you're my FRIEND, not classified into certain groups. there's not a difference, a person is a person. just cause i know them differently doesn't mean ANYTHING. 

and i've been known in the past to ditch out on plans, forget, etc. and today i get yelled at for keeping my plans? there's a difference between ditching and being busy. and i'm busy. i've had plans for the past week, and I TRIED to change them to accomodate both sides, but if a miscommunication hadn't had happened there wouldn't have even been a problem. 

i don't even want to go on about this anymore. my senior year just fucking started and so much drama is already happened, and I'M TIRED OF BEING MADE THE BAD GUY. BECAUSE I'M NOT. 

i'm the fucking bad guy cause i'm quiet, i keep my plans, i try to fix things so i can see different people, i try to help people realize what they need to get over, i try to move on.
I'M TRYING TO MOVE ON. the fact i'm not getting any support whatsoever DOESN'T help. my mom is the only one that truely understands me. we think the same. and i love my mom.
destiny probably thinks most like me out of all of my friends. i mean, we've been called the same person by more than 3 people. 

no one understands me. the way i think. the way i see things. the way i do things. 

this is why i want to become a psychiatrist. there's no one that fucking understands me out there, so i want to be that one person that understands someone that feels exactly like me.

?

i never have an intention to hurt anyone, cause i just freak out when i do.

causing the situation to be worse.

i just try to be the friendliest one, the one people want to be around. i never felt that way growing up. i never felt that way in middle school. i didn't even start to feel it until probably sophomore year, and since then i've gone through so many groups of friends. 

i just don't have the heart to say anything to anyone. i'm quiet. that's the problem. i'm not loud and i don't speak whenever i want like others, but that's just how i am. i'm fine with it. i'm different. i just wish someone would understand, because it really, really sucks when someone close to you won't believe you. why would i even lie? i don't even know what to say.

i'm just so confused. and irritated with everything. 

I DON'T WANT TO START MY SCHOOL YEAR OUT LIKE THIS.

it's been such a long week.

first day.

today was my last first day of high school. i was so nervous last night and antsy, but it went well. 

my classes are great, surprisingly. a group of us senior girls with late arrival sat in the commons while everyone was in first block and had a great time taking pictures and whatnot. can't wait to see those. :P

my econ teacher is really boring though....he seems like it. but that'll probably be my easiest class. thank god i only have three classes. my rehab class is gonna rule. mrs. crook is the shit and we're going on like four field trips this year. clinicals seems a lot less nerve wracking now that i've been in there and heard about everything. i'm just nervous about the hospital staff saying something about my ears being stretched since i have to pull my hair back. hopefully not. got some badass people in my lunch too, even though it's last lunch. whaaaaaateva.

this year looks bright. it better be, damn it. it's senior year! 

t r u e

friends are hard to come by. and i'm glad to know that these ladies are true to me for realz.

i don't know what's expected if there's no mutual effort put in from both sides. discussions have been brought up and we even had plans to talk, and you just back out? and tell US to come up there and talk to you about it? HAHA. no. don't think so. not after i wasted $40 on gas for a trip that did absolutely nothing for any of us. don't think i wasn't pissed about that. and you would be too. and obviously the "unreal" comment must be true seeing the outcome of this situation. we weren't even trying to start a problem. way to go. another 12 year old girl dramatic situation.

so over this. don't expect to be friends with me and expect me to put in all the effort. that's how it's always been. i always try the hardest, always loan shit, always doing this and that. it's over.

"I can't remember how many times I've had to apologize for doing the right thing."
story of my life.

habitual.

i always figured it would just end up like the next one and the next one. it's always the way it goes. i'm 17 years old, that's all i'm gonna know until i grow up and meet more people throughout my life.

but either i'm just dumb or there's just something that i can't let go about it. and i don't even know what that something is. actually, i do. it's the artistic, smart, with a touch of feelings underneath all the imperfections. seems like how it always should be, or is, i guess. but the colors just show through a little more vibrant this time to me, it seems. even though i feel like it's all talk sometimes. and i'm in an endless fantasy land of hope that doesn't exist (obviously, it's fantasy).

not saying i'm perfect, far from it. i'm full of imperfections to the core and half the time i feel like a walking 'nothing'. 

i want to let it go. either some day i will or i'll just remember it forever while it lingers on and on. and i hope whichever one it comes to is the best thing. 

life isn't easy, or even that hard for that matter, but i wish it could cut me a little slack since i'm about to journey through my last year of high school.