no one

showed me before.
why?

(i never post. maybe i'll update something worth time soon.)

tell me

that i can't do it.
tell me that i shouldn't even try.
tell me it's impossible,
tell me the risk is too high,
the challenge is too much,
the feat, too tough.
tell me that i won't do it.

and i will.

wow,

it's been a good minute since i posted.

i'm not even gonna update my life right now. alls i know is, my senior year has been full of useless, draining, extremely pointless bullshit so far. and it sucks. it's all came to help me realize who my real friends are here, though. i find it amusing that my side is taken on the whole situation (which it should be...) when they've known him waaaay longer and better. das cool! it's help me grow and move on and realize how immature people really are. accusations that are made are absolutely ridiculous. just because we/us are angry doesn't mean we're gonna come rob you or some shit. none of us really have a reason for any of it, and we all have a true, strong alibi. so whatever, you can believe what you want and keep talking all your shit even though you say you don't and act like the little angels that you aren't and never will be. lying pieces of shit.

i hate hypocrisy. sure, everyone does it sometimes but to necessarily live like that is absurd. enough is enough.

i really just don't know what's going on in my head right now. i feel misplaced and out of place. in the wrong decade. i need to be sent back to about 1952 and be born around then. or stick myself permanently in 2008. i don't really know where to go or what to do with my life right now, i'm just trying to find myself. i just can't keep my head on straight and focus. i need an inspiration.

maybe starting clinicals on the 21st will help me get my head together. 

i hope

that i'm making the right choices. i know of a certain one that i definitely am. better off for me and everyone else, most likely.

i just hope the other one is right.

someday

you will find me caught beneath the landslide,
in a champagne supernova in the sky. 
wake up the dawn and ask her why
a dreamer dreams, she never dies. 
wipe that tear away now from your eye. 
slowly walking down the hall,
faster than a cannonball.

k, so.

it seems to everyone i'm closest to that i just keep constantly not doing the right thing, minus a select few of people.

and i know that i'm not NOT doing the right thing, and it's really pissing me off.

first, what's the difference between my "school friends" and my "friends i don't go to school with"? there's not one. if you're a friend of mine, you're my FRIEND, not classified into certain groups. there's not a difference, a person is a person. just cause i know them differently doesn't mean ANYTHING. 

and i've been known in the past to ditch out on plans, forget, etc. and today i get yelled at for keeping my plans? there's a difference between ditching and being busy. and i'm busy. i've had plans for the past week, and I TRIED to change them to accomodate both sides, but if a miscommunication hadn't had happened there wouldn't have even been a problem. 

i don't even want to go on about this anymore. my senior year just fucking started and so much drama is already happened, and I'M TIRED OF BEING MADE THE BAD GUY. BECAUSE I'M NOT. 

i'm the fucking bad guy cause i'm quiet, i keep my plans, i try to fix things so i can see different people, i try to help people realize what they need to get over, i try to move on.
I'M TRYING TO MOVE ON. the fact i'm not getting any support whatsoever DOESN'T help. my mom is the only one that truely understands me. we think the same. and i love my mom.
destiny probably thinks most like me out of all of my friends. i mean, we've been called the same person by more than 3 people. 

no one understands me. the way i think. the way i see things. the way i do things. 

this is why i want to become a psychiatrist. there's no one that fucking understands me out there, so i want to be that one person that understands someone that feels exactly like me.

?

i never have an intention to hurt anyone, cause i just freak out when i do.

causing the situation to be worse.

i just try to be the friendliest one, the one people want to be around. i never felt that way growing up. i never felt that way in middle school. i didn't even start to feel it until probably sophomore year, and since then i've gone through so many groups of friends. 

i just don't have the heart to say anything to anyone. i'm quiet. that's the problem. i'm not loud and i don't speak whenever i want like others, but that's just how i am. i'm fine with it. i'm different. i just wish someone would understand, because it really, really sucks when someone close to you won't believe you. why would i even lie? i don't even know what to say.

i'm just so confused. and irritated with everything. 

I DON'T WANT TO START MY SCHOOL YEAR OUT LIKE THIS.

it's been such a long week.

first day.

today was my last first day of high school. i was so nervous last night and antsy, but it went well. 

my classes are great, surprisingly. a group of us senior girls with late arrival sat in the commons while everyone was in first block and had a great time taking pictures and whatnot. can't wait to see those. :P

my econ teacher is really boring though....he seems like it. but that'll probably be my easiest class. thank god i only have three classes. my rehab class is gonna rule. mrs. crook is the shit and we're going on like four field trips this year. clinicals seems a lot less nerve wracking now that i've been in there and heard about everything. i'm just nervous about the hospital staff saying something about my ears being stretched since i have to pull my hair back. hopefully not. got some badass people in my lunch too, even though it's last lunch. whaaaaaateva.

this year looks bright. it better be, damn it. it's senior year! 

t r u e

friends are hard to come by. and i'm glad to know that these ladies are true to me for realz.

i don't know what's expected if there's no mutual effort put in from both sides. discussions have been brought up and we even had plans to talk, and you just back out? and tell US to come up there and talk to you about it? HAHA. no. don't think so. not after i wasted $40 on gas for a trip that did absolutely nothing for any of us. don't think i wasn't pissed about that. and you would be too. and obviously the "unreal" comment must be true seeing the outcome of this situation. we weren't even trying to start a problem. way to go. another 12 year old girl dramatic situation.

so over this. don't expect to be friends with me and expect me to put in all the effort. that's how it's always been. i always try the hardest, always loan shit, always doing this and that. it's over.

"I can't remember how many times I've had to apologize for doing the right thing."
story of my life.

habitual.

i always figured it would just end up like the next one and the next one. it's always the way it goes. i'm 17 years old, that's all i'm gonna know until i grow up and meet more people throughout my life.

but either i'm just dumb or there's just something that i can't let go about it. and i don't even know what that something is. actually, i do. it's the artistic, smart, with a touch of feelings underneath all the imperfections. seems like how it always should be, or is, i guess. but the colors just show through a little more vibrant this time to me, it seems. even though i feel like it's all talk sometimes. and i'm in an endless fantasy land of hope that doesn't exist (obviously, it's fantasy).

not saying i'm perfect, far from it. i'm full of imperfections to the core and half the time i feel like a walking 'nothing'. 

i want to let it go. either some day i will or i'll just remember it forever while it lingers on and on. and i hope whichever one it comes to is the best thing. 

life isn't easy, or even that hard for that matter, but i wish it could cut me a little slack since i'm about to journey through my last year of high school. 

summer 2009.

i wish it had a catchy name like last summer. 'endless summer 08' - aka, best summer of my life.

but this summer has been alotta fun as well. it didn't come out anything like i expected, and it didn't top last year, but i'm okay with that. it's almost over (for me, at least) sadly. i go back to school next friday, so i'm having a nostalgic moment here. 

thanks to all my friends for this summer. to all my different groups of friends, even the ones that have already come and gone. thank you, johnson city as well. you do a whole lot more for me than my hometown. thank you: karen, crystal, destiny, hannah, sarah, sean, kol, chelsea, moser, bill, elijah, matt & ashley, ben, devon, maynard, isaac, jon, cody, H, matt Z, and everyone else that i spent good times with.

all the pictures posted are my favorite from the summer. love you all. <3

just let me have one moment.

today was a day filled with so many mixed feelings. sean left to go back to florida.
i miss him a lot already. :( we all had so much fun!

i feel like today is the downfall of summer. eleven days until i go back to school. senior year....wow. i've really come this far? it seems like i just walked into the doors of that high school for the first time just yesterday. how scared i was....how intimidating all the seniors looked. that's me now...and it feels like feeling that way when i was 14 was weird. i dunno why. i definitely do NOT like the freshman class coming in. i don't like much of the sophomore class either. juniors are pretty alright. but really, this is the last year i can fuck around, which i can't even really do that much of. i gotta finish this year off right. i need to focus. my schedule this year isn't that difficult, thankfully. the only class i really need to focus on this semester is clinical internship. that's gonna be important. next semester will be english, even though it's regular. i'm so nervous that this year will end up like my junior year (which was hell) even though i know it won't. i'm alright in school, i just don't know where to go with the rest of my life. i keep living in the past. i can't get my mind off of different things in the recent and far past. summer 08, november/december 08, march 09. those were some of my favorite times. i need a time machine to just relive 2008. best year of my life so far. i guess being 16 really was a great thing. but now i'm trying to live up to "you won't be 17 forever..." i just don't want to face reality i guess. that's what i'm best at. just pushing away the things i need to fix and pulling the things closer i need to get rid of. there's things i want to attain that i know i can't have. and it's the worst feeling in the world. i feel like i need more genuine friends. i really only have a few. some i'm shaky to even name. don't ask, i won't tell. my head is so foggy.

i hope i find myself someday soon. i hate not knowing where to go exactly. 
i'm still a kid, but life is moving so fast. 
i need a hand to hold and to help me through.
i'm scared to do it alone.

i'm nervous.i'm not independent.

seconds.

i tried to post this and i hit the X button, COOL. i hate when i do that. cuttin' it short then.

"Romance is on your mind, no matter what your status may be right now, You may feel as if you're courting all over again -- or you may actually be pursuing someone new -- and your heart is totally in it!" <----- oddly accurate. 

been thinking about someone that was around a long, long time ago. about 2 years ago, actually. i guess i'm looking into this way too late seeing as how long ago this was. but hopefully i can somehow get my foot back in the door and he'll notice? who knows. it would be quite nice, but if not, oh well. life moves on.

sean is in town from florida. he goes home tomorrow. moshin errrwhur. 

go back to school in 13 days.  first semester =
1 - late arrival
2 - US gov/econ - mccrary/taft
3 - rehabilitative therapies - crook
4 - clinical internship - miller!!!! :)

one more thing. this summer is still wonderful. we still party. you're just not around because you're turning into the person you're dating. i don't think i've seen anyone take after someone like you have. not to mention i don't like him, so i'm definitely not into it. don't blame it on me or anyone else as to why everyone hasn't been hanging out, cause WE have. you haven't.  and i just don't think so. you can ask the four other people i've talked to. you're putting yourself back right where you were with the last one. spending days and days on end together. and then when you are back, i already have plans cause i've figured you were gonna be with him. and you get mad about it. i'm not even trying to blow you off. you just don't see it like we do, and one day i really hope you do or it's gonna be another 6 months of us not talking cause you're too busy with someone who probably wouldn't be around as long as me.
---> edit. <---- partying has NOT taken over my life, by any chance. i don't do anything out of the norm that i haven't been doing for the past eight months. i don't even want to deal with this. it's pointless. 

i already feel like i'm a wasted piece of life today. i can't put into words how i feel, but it's terrible. like a used napkin or some sort. i feel like i've already dug myself deep into a hole that's already too deep for me to escape, so i'll just keep digging. right?

I just can't believe you.

"Someone steps up to you late in the day and challenges your position -- or your authority. It's not the best time to get into a huge fight, so see if you can distract them with something shiny for the time being."

my horoscope for tomorrow...hmm. i hope i don't make a mistake about my plans tomorrow. i'm positive it shouldn't be too bad....i hope not. 
been feelin real edgy lately, don't really know why. i guess cause i haven't really had alone time in a good few weeks, but i don't really like being alone. it's nice sometimes though, i guess. 
i need a break, again.

school is about to start back on august 7th, lame! i don't really know my second semester classes because i had to get them all changed but first semester i have late arrival, us gov/econ, rehabilitative therapies, and clinical internship. i hope that works out good! i'm pretty stoked on it. should be fun. i know i have psychology & forensic science too! :)

been thinking about tattoo ideas recently too. i'm really partial to certain song lyrics. without a doubt i'm gonna get TUI, blacklisted, and carpathian lyrics somewhere on me. i've already been thinking of a few. 

Watch me unwind.
Rejected and depressed.
Everything I am I hate.
Confused, directionless.
Knowing this is all we had.
Existing on best terms we can until
Death takes us from our own fucking hands.

what's wrong?

He hides his thoughts 
Buried so deep inside
In the very back of his mind
Everything he can't let others know 
And prays that no one finds
He has reasons for everything
In his mind it's all justified
Always so easily embraced
The mirror is just two-faced
It hurts sometimes, but he liked the taste
Didn't want to hurt anyone
So he looked to the blind one above
He'll need answers in time
For now he'll just stand tongue tied
What he feels
It hurts and it kills
His mind stays concealed
His thoughts stay unrevealed
 

you only live once.

that's exactly how i feel about the past few days. let me start from the beginning...
10 for 10 so stoked about? shut down. a huge fight broke out during Fingers Crossed (first band....) and the bouncers (like fucking always) took it out of hand and it turned into a brawl. I saw one of my best friends get arrested AND punched for trying to break up a fight, not to mention all of my other friends that got arrested for no reason. I hate the Valarium.
They wouldn't even give refunds. They said they would give you another ticket to another show there. Why the hell would you ever want to go back there after that shit? They ruined the day that I had been looking forward to for months. I only went to see really once band anyways who played right after FC (Trapped Under Ice).

Luckily, everyone came together and brought it all to Kay and April's. So many people showed up. The Ghost Inside, Crime in Stereo, This is Hell, (remaining) FC, Trapped Under Ice played. Terror and Death Before Dishonor did too but I didn't see them. It really made me feel like the scene came together to fix a problem quick. Now all we need to do is speak out and do something about the bullshit the Valarium is doing. For real....

It was overall good though. Went and hung out after the show with some people, etc etc. Good times. Now I really feel like I have to come back to reality. The beach, a great few days....now what?

I already started thinking. I just want to stay in this fantasy land that I have in my head right now, where my mind doesn't really play a role, and my heart is stuck in about last March but I want to stay in the summer. It's confusing. I keep wanting to think that everything will turn out like I want it to and like I feel it will turn to, but I know it won't. I know. It's all too good to be true. It really is....and it's not even good. >:/
I don't know what it is or why I'm still stuck here, but it's been months. On and off and I wish it would be fixed however that may be. I really have no idea....
Hopes. Dreams. Too good to be true, yeah.

Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully an answer will be found......but probably not.

home.

and i already wish i was back. we came home today because my dad didn't look at the days we had the condo correctly, and we were scheduled to check out today.
so we did.  we were in the car for like, ten hours. soooo annoooyyinnnggg. i didn't sleep any of it. i'm so tired.

i had a good time there though. i ate so much seafood. mmm, i could live off it. i definitely got a nice tan. ;) did a lot of stuff. i wish i was still there cause i love always being busy. i guess i just prefer a constant something to do. mostly.

i got to hang out with destiny and kol tonight though, i love them! :)
tomorrow, chillin with crystal. sarah and hannah are coming in lataaa. 

downloaded the new trapped under ice.
SO. SO. GOOD. they've yet to let me down. i knew they had great intentions back when i said i liked them more than terror. i still stand by that. 
and i don't don't really like terror. 

never brought mommy smiles.
this feeling that i'm feeling i've been feeling for a while. 
it's hard to admit but i gotta get it off my chest.
i would sleep forever
if there is peace in death.
and if you see god, tell him that 
i'm still alive.
gave up on all those prayers 
because they couldn't provide.
the answer to the question i've been asking since birth,
been searching for the truth for years,
i can't find peace on this earth.
you won't find peace on this earth.

unbelievable.

sitting in the condo. listening to the waves. i love it.

i learn new things everyday, and last night and today i have learned a lot that i really hope is true. i don't really know how to take it right now though.

the past few days have been pretty cool. been laying on the beach. the water is beautiful. i love it here. i got some sweet tan lines, lolz. we went on AJ's sea blaster yesterday. it was awesome. a giant speed boat. we ran into some shitty weather though. was pretty intense. done a lot of shopping. love it. lot of partyin, love it. i've eaten so much seafood from this week it can probably equal my body weight. i love it. tomorrow we're going parasailing. stoked! and then we're going to joe's crab shack again cause the crab legs are so good. coming home on sunday. i miss everyone and i can't wait to see everyone. monday - 10 for 10. FUCKING STOKED. i can't wait. got mah new nikez 4 it.

hopefully the last few days here are nice. don't wanna leave but i'm ready to come home.
the beach takes me away from reality and i should probably come back.

Beachin' it.

My parents, Crystal, and I drove down here to Destin, FL on July 3rd. We're still here! It's been an alright time so far.
I've already got tan lines and I only laid out for like 30 minutes on the first day. It rained this morning so we didn't get to lay out :( but we decided to live life on the edge before the storm came and rode the wavez. Red flag out and all. I got SO much sand in my bathing suit.
We went to Big Kahuna's too. Not as much fun as it was the first time I went. I was like 10 then though.
I had the most badass crab legs at AJ's on the dock. Got some jewelry and a few clothing articles already. :P

Tomorrow we're going out on the beach early to get some sun and surf, then doing some retail therapy in Miramar Beach and probably eating at Joe's. Me and Crystal are gonna go to ''teen night'' at Fudpucker's apparently, hahah. Fuckkkk it. :P

I'll be home the 11th. I miss everyone and my dogs. It's really nice to get away for once though. Wish it could have been to Europe again like in Summer '07 but this is damn good enough. I love the beach.

Can't wait for 10 for 10 :)

Misunderstood

are you listening? can you hear?
there are so many people walking, running.
but none of them are near.

so far away. are they ghosts?
me and you. we're so alone.
it's all too unreal, and morose.

understanding takes time. time is not enough,
when you're running on empty.
just listen. think. cast your slough.

i never learned without you. i never saw what could.
no one else even matters. 
it doesn't matter because we're misunderstood.

i don't know why but,

i feel like i want to be the farthest away from the people i'm closest to even though i still have the best time with them.

why?

if you can afford me.

If you want me, a cherry on top, the pick of the peck, the crème de la crop.
If you want me you better do better than that tonight.
If you want me, it takes more than a wink, and more than a drink, more than you think.
If you want me you're gonna have to break the bank tonight.

'Cause some don't have the patience, some call me high-maintenance, but you pay the bill, 'cause that's the deal.

If you wanna ride, just name your price, and don't play cheap with your heart.
Don't make a bet if you can't write the check for me, 'cause I can be bought but you'll pay the cost...
If you can afford me

If you want me, I'm not a piece of ass, a one night stand, a storage shed.
I think you better walk by tonight.


If you want me, then stop begging, I don't put it out for charity.
If you want me there's no discount price tonight.

But I don't need your dollar bills...
I just want something real, cause nothing's free, except'a loving me.

If you wanna ride, just name your price and don't play cheap with your heart.
Don't make a bet if you can't write the check for me, cause I can be bought but you'll pay the cost...
If you can afford me

all i have to say is,

i'm so glad i have today off.

last night....long night....
currently feel like someone ran me over by a bus. 

i really hope things aren't too awkward now....

also, new party song. ;) it's so catchy!

Let's go!
Hey!
What's happenin'?
What you drinkin' tonight girl?
Drinkin' tonight with me!
Put your drinks up!


Hey girl
Where's your drink?
We goin' all get real drunk tonight
Hey girl
I got bud we can all get fucked up tonight
By the end of the night
Imma have you drunk and throwing up
By the end of the night
Imma have you so fucked up!


They said what you drinkin'?
Let me buy you a couple of rounds
And I said what you thinkin'?
I ain't the type of girl to get down
But I can party wit cha
And bring my girls aside
Tell the bartender bring the ice
And let 'em know I'm on Patron


I'm on Patron, Tequila
I'm drunk on Margarita
That Patron, Tequila
Me and my mamacita
Hey girl
Where's your drink?
We goin' all get real drunk tonight
Hey girl
I got bud we can all get fucked up tonight
By the end of the night
Imma have you drunk and throwing up
By the end of the night
Imma have you so fucked up!


And now the parted heated
'Cuz I got a hot girl in the club
I'm feelin' so conceited
'Cuz everybody is giving me love
But hold up, wait a minute
'Cuz my cup is going empty
I need someone to refill me
I'm trynna to get drunk


I'm on Patron, Tequila
I'm drunk on Margarita
That Patron, Tequila
Me and my mamacita
Hey girl
Where's your drink?
We goin' all get real drunk tonight
Hey girl
I got bud we can all get fucked up tonight
By the end of the night
Imma have you drunk and throwing up
By the end of the night
Imma have you so fucked up!


Who wanna get fucked up? [I do, I do]
Who wanna get fucked up? [I do, I do]
Who wanna get drunk? (me) [me]
Who wanna get drunk? (I'm already drunk) [me]
Who wanna get fucked up? (haha) [I do, I do]
Who wanna get fucked up?(I ain't stopping them) [I do, I do]
Who wanna get drunk? [me]
Who wanna get drunk? (let's have another one)


I'm on Patron, Tequila
I'm drunk on Margarita
That Patron, Tequila
Me and my mamacita
Hey girl
Where's your drink?
We goin' all get real drunk tonight
Hey girl
I got bud we can all get fucked up tonight
By the end of the night [repeating Aria]
Imma have you drunk and throwing up [repeating Aria]
By the end of the night [repeating Aria]
Imma have you so fucked up! [Imma have you so fucked up! ]


Put your drinks up!
Put your drinks up!
Put your drinks up!
Put your drinks up!


I'm on Patron, Tequila
I'm drunk on Margarita
That Patron, Tequila
Me and my mamacita

(:

like i said before, i love weekends! i spent it all with mah ladiez. honestly, they really are all i need. i'm completely happy with everything right now. 

saturday night was a hoot. me, sarah, crystal, hannah, and karen. all together. out. we tried to start SO many fights, olol. BYA! swam at like 3 AM forever. rose so much hell. had to take my ACT earlier that day at bearden. sucked real bad. so glad i never have to take that shit again.

yesterday was my pool party. saw some good faces! missed a few though. :( had fun overall though. this weekend reminded me of how much i love swimming. a lot haha. me and hannah are wata babiez ;)

today is a relaxing day i suppose. i started back working today. thank god i don't have to do all office work this summer. i get to split it with working on the filter line with chiefy. i love all the dudes that work out there. they crack me up so bad. can't waaaaait. hours rule too. 10 - 4:30 monday-thursday. holla! 

holla @ me

"Eden -- A girl who's eyes put a spell on every boy's mind. Who's smile can melt a thousand hearts. Who's beauty is more blinding than the sun, yet it falls into nothingness compared to the beauty of her personality. So much kindness to give, so much love to share. Funny but all so serious. So strong, yet so fragile and sensitive. Like a flower so delicate, but only he who knows how to handle it with care can do its true beauty justice.."

;)

hustlin'

OK! I'm reloaded my bankroll swole and a nigga can't fold it
I got 'em like HEY! Got 'em rollin
The kush on the way and the champagne frozen
Watch me do my thang, I got these hoes open
I'm ridin presidential like the shit that I'm smokin
Water wih' the work, Petrom on my shirt
And a zip ain't shit I need a quarter P of Purp
'Gon break it down, pass it all around
I can serve Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown
Them dope boys in this bitch like, let me buy that
Broke niggas in this bitch like, let me try that
I need a beat in the bitch, let me call Polow
Mr. Tennakey I still get 'em for the low though
Shawty light up the dro, I ain't ready to go
Can't ban me from the radio or fuck up my show, you know


Haters tryin to ban a nigga mayn
I bounce back watch me do my thang
I got my Chevy hoggin up the lane
I'm a boss I can make it rain
Now get buck bitch


Let's play the game I'm the quarterback, don't stop homey
I go to jail if I get sacked, so block for me
Eightball in my corner pocket, it's on and poppin
Got the whole club leanin wit' it, and body rockin
Drunk drivin in my Cut dawg, I got my truck parked
Seventy Two Tennessee Titan like what up y'all?!
I'm home boy, holla at ya homeboy
Better come quick, once I get it then it's gone boy
First come first serve, fuck what ya heard
I'm piecin out my pack till I come up on a bird
Blow the smoke out my nose, pimpin on these hoes
They know me at the bank love me at the jewelry stores
I play it how it goes, the butterfly doors
On them old school vogues with the chrome on the toes
These fuck niggas know, that I will let it go
(I bet he got a vest) No but I got my tech though



Yeah you know what it is, how we do the damn thang down here
Nigga what you workin with?
Yeah, hey my nigga now don't be in the club, throwin ya rent money, be broke in the mornin
Have us laughin at ya broke ass, yeah where my dope boys at?
Yeah! Shawty I see you! Now pick up that god damn money! Hey! LET'S G

purgatory.

A slave to the master held back by the force itching to decide my fate. The control it has is no illusion, testing the limits of endless power. Father time always a step ahead, looking back on me quickly losing his sick game, taking pleasure in my suffering.

Running a race against time. Living life not my only crime. Sins of the past coming to bite me back. A circle of pain. An endless track.

The temporary state is lasting forever so where is the end to the unrest? / I'm reaching for change, pulled back by temptation only extending my stay in an existence haunted by mistakes. Death means I start over. Another stay in this nightmare I can't take.

Face to face with consequences, gotta fix the wrong. Seeing the error in my ways, placed here for a reason. I need to make due and not waste away. Find a path in the darkness out of this purgatory.

A slave to the master held back by the force itching to decide my fate. The control it has is no illusion, testing the limits of endless power. Father time always a step ahead, looking back on me quickly losing his sick game, taking pleasure in my suffering.

Looking in the mirror I see the reflection of a soul on ice, feeling the cold burn, begging for an end having learned my lessons. I need to escape. Please take me away.

Running a race against time. Living life not my only crime. Sins of the past coming to bite me back. Begging for an end having learned my lesson.

all i want to know is, what did i do to deserve what i take from people?
what's so wrong with me? what's so different? why me? 
what do i owe this world? it's done nothing for me.

dreams.

i had a weird dream last night. i woke up thinking it was real. i was about to start kicking myself right there.

it was basically the last four months summed up all over again with yet everything that's happened recently. i definitely am not going back there especially after i told myself i wasn't.
soooo weird. 

but i'm kind of glad i dreamed it. i feel back to normal now.

listening to new coliseum. rules.

weekends:

I love them. Last night was nothing short of amazing.
I spent it mostly with Karen, Sarah, Hannah, Crystal, and Kayla at the show. I love them! All of us together is just so much fun. WE know what's up.

Afterwards, ate some Krystal burgers then went to hang out with a bunch of people in Kingsport. That was verrrrrrry interesting hahah. Basically, just lots of fun.

This summer is gonna be known as me never gettin' any sleep. There seems to be one day out of the week, sometimes two, where I'll only sleep for a few hours at night. Like, two maybe, but I feel fine and sleep fine the next. I like it, actually. I get a lot of stuff done usually. And I'm helping save water :D

Tonight we're all hangin' out for Destiny finally getting back in town from Ohio. Can't wait to see her! I love her. Girl time :)
And on that note....I've got to go get ready to hang out with them. It's gonna be a fun night.

I love weekends. :)

honestly....

i'm not even about to go into it about what happened today.

but like kol says "fuck wednesday." overall, today was badass actually. 
hung out with crystal and karen all day. rose so much hell. even the 5-0 was lookin for us ;)
went to yoga class though. DEFINITELY GOING BACK. yoga rules. 
karen caught the most annoying turtle today. gooooodddddddddddddd it succccckeddddd.
finally let that shit go at the park. 

the rest i'm not going into detail. except this whore thinks she's got what i want and she thinks she's getting back at me by trying to get me in legal trouble. what she doesn't know is I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. i'm glad all that ended before i wasted even more of my time, so she can deal with it next. don't come cryin back to me when he did the same thing he did to me twice, if you don't get to him first. that's what sluts do. not sure how that's gonna back fire.

this summer hasn't exactly started out like planned. i'm not exactly on good terms with much of anything right now except for my friends. but it's whatever. i already knew this summer couldn't top endless summer 08. nothing will i don't think. but i'll do what i can to make the best.
if i can.

i've got the right people around me and the unnecessary ones are out of my life. GFY.

Tough Test.

When you throw these fits, I only see what I want to see. 

We need to talk just means, you'll never be what I need you to be.

I need to be told, I need to be sold 
There were times you stayed so silent 

L.ooking 
O.ut 
V.isionless 
E.yes 

What were you hoping to find? Are you even human on the inside? 

This is just like old times with you. You're so quiet and I'm kicking over everything in the room 

When I throw these fits, you just see what you want to see. 

"We need to talk" just means we have nothing to fight for.

last night.

was kind of a roller coaster. didn't do shit all day til like 7:30ish.  felt like dad pretty much called me a dumbass cause i missed a shit load of questions on my mock ACT test. don't really care anymore though.

i saw someone i hadn't seen in a long time. that's what i hate about being with someone. i can't talk to certain people and he was definitely one of them. i'm so glad that i saw him though. he made me feel like there's someone that really cares (which was him, of course) for me out there and someone is watching over me. he told me he was tired of me getting so fucked over and it's actually starting to upset him. why aren't there more people like that? i can't wait to see him again. i hope we can go back to where we were months ago. that's how i want it to be. he's one of the few genuine people i've met. along with crystal (luv uuuuuu). not to mention when i turn 18 he'll def do a tattoo for me. and he's pretty fuckin good. :P

as for my friends, i'm ready to distance the fuck outta myself from some of you. i'm about tired of this shit. but as for others, i'm gonna get closer to you. i want to meet new people this summer and rekindle relationships that i had last summer that i don't have now. or even before that. just old friends. and new friends. i kind of want a new start, but i can't really do that being 17 years old. oh well. i'll do my best. 

i'm changing this summer. i'm going to find a hobby. something i'm creative at (let's hope. probably gonna try photography). become more productive (even though it's summer. i'm still gonna be lazy as hell sometimes). when i start working, i'm gonna work more. i'm becoming a better person. and it's all because of recent events. and i'm so glad that i realized i can do this. no one can tell me i can't nor i won't. and i'm ready.

Now that you are out of my life, 
I'm so much better,
You thought that I'd be weak without ya,
But I'm stronger,
You thought that I'd be broke without ya,
But I'm richer,
You thought that I'd be sad without ya,
I laugh harder,
You thought I wouldn't grow without ya,
Now I'm wiser,
You thought that I'd be helpless without ya,
But I'm smarter,
You thought that I'd be stressed without ya,
But I'm chillin'

I'm a survivor,
I'm not gonna give up,
I'm not gon' stop,
I'm gonna work harder,
I'm a survivor,
I'm gonna make it,
I will survive,
Keep on survivin',
I'm a survivor,
I'm not gonna give up,
I'm not gon' stop,
I'm gonna work harder,
I'm a survivor,
I'm gonna make it,
I will survive,
Keep on survivin'.

Thought I couldn't breathe without you,
I'm inhalin'
You thought I couldn't see without you,
Perfect vision,
You thought I couldn't last without ya,
But I'm lastin'
You thought that I would die without ya,
But I'm livin'
Thought that I would fail without ya,
But I'm on top,
Though it would be over by now,
But it won't stop,
You thought that I would self-destruct,
But I'm still here,
Even in my years to come,
I'm still gon' be here.

also,

i'm apparently a boring person. i mean, to some people yeah i probably am. i mean, i probably was to you mostly because your talents overshadow the one's i don't have. i kind of felt incompetent, not gonna lie. 
not many people find my amusement well...amusing. some do.

alright, time to vent. 

so, i'm pretty sure something "extraordinary" might have come out of it if there would have been more effort put in from one side. i mean, at first everything was perfect. it was just how i wanted something to be but as weeks moved on, things didn't get better, or worse. then they began to get worse and something hurt me almost every day. i felt distanced. all i could do was talk to my friends about the situation but i was too scared to ever say anything because once i saw you, i just melted because of the way you looked at me, and i knew everything that used to be and i didn't want that to end even though it already did. i wanted to end it. i was tired of hurting, but i couldn't do it. i was trying to let you show me you could improve. i wonder if you were waiting on the same thing.  i wish we could have gone back to the beginning. i wasn't making you live by standards. i never told you that you couldn't do something unless it was a serious issue. that's how i think i should have acted at least or i would have been a real bitch. and yeah, i am a real bitch sometimes. that's what girls do. at least i'm not a slut. >:/
i'm over being mad about this. i'm over being sad about it. i'm over dealing with this. i just want to move on and learn from the past. i want everything to be okay between us. just as friends. i can't handle anything else right now, if you even wanted to. i don't think i could trust you completely again anyways. i don't think i ever did. i don't even know if i could be friends right now, because it would probably piss me off/hurt me to see you or just whatever. i wish you could have told me how you felt a long time ago, because i could have saved myself and my time. no time was ever wasted, jon moore. it wasn't. everything happens for a reason, and we learn, grow, and live from it. and that's exactly how i plan on doing. and i wish you the best. and nothing but the best.

i'll move on. i'm ready.

wow.

i don't remember posting that entry last night at all.

my b. i take back all that shit i said anyway.
fuck guys. seriously. none of them have yet to fucking impress me and satisfy everything i need.
not to mention all the one's i've been with are going to shit with their life. i hate saying i wasted my time, cause i really did. but i learned from it. never going back. fuck sluts. i hate sluts. like, why is it so damn hard to keep your pants on? what's the positive side of fucking every dude, especially a friend's ex. BADASS. i love people that have morals! 

i don't need 'em. it hurts, but fuck 'em. both of them will fucking get it. if karma doesn't, i will. and that's definitely a promise.